Happy Fucking Thanksgiving

Well it certainly wasn't the holiday I was expecting. Thanksgiving is usually such a happy time with turkey and other good food and family and maybe some friends. I thought this Thanksgiving would even be an especially happy one given that Andrew drove in last night which was an unexpected surprise. Oh but wait... as I found out tonight - he only came to Jacksonville to break up with me. Excellent surprise.

His reasoning? I'm not entirely sure. We haven't been fighting or having any major issues and while our relationship was by no means picture perfect, I was enjoying it and he says he was too. Oh and I had just done this little thing of moving back to the States to be with him.... hmmm... Oops. I won't say that I expected us to get married and have little children and live happily ever after - because honestly I wasn't really thinking about that. Things were good and I was having fun and that's all that I really cared about. Sure, we were heading in different directions, but I sort of always assumed we would just deal with that when the time came - however we best chose to deal with it. I've always been of the opinion that we never know how things will change and how we'll feel in the future so making decisions for our future selfs is always sort of pointless. Apparently, he thinks a little differently. He said something along the lines of he doesn't want to have to split all his attention between his work and me and he's just not ready for this sort of commitment yet.... so he's sacrificing me for his work. (I read this as I'm not worth the effort, of course - because I have my insecurities and when you boil it down that's basically what he's saying. I'm just not important enough to him.)

He actually said that he thinks he'll regret this decision and still loves me and it hurts him to do it and all that shit that I don't really care about anymore. Well, you know what? I'm so sick of being on guys' lists of regrets. Seriously... I've been hearing that shit since middle school. I guess it's better than being "that girl" - the bitch that he's glad to be rid of or is glad he stayed away from... but still. COME ON! SERIOUSLY!??! WTF?

I think he's making a mistake and I'm pretty confident that he'll realize it someday. Long distance wasn't a total piece of cake but we handled it pretty well and we're damn good together when we're in the same zip code. I understand where he's coming from but I just feel like what's the harm in giving it a shot? But no, instead he's running scared before anything can really go wrong - or right.

Sigh. I don't think it's really, truly hit me yet, but so far I feel alright. The fact that I'm pretty used to never seeing him helps things and also makes it feel normal that he won't be around anymore - which will probably prolong the whole realizing that I'm single again thing and therefor the grieving process. Yay... At any rate, I feel like a total moron about the whole thing. I never saw it coming and moved across the globe to be with him. I took a risk and it totally didn't pay off. I'll bitch and moan about it for a little while because I feel I'm entitled to complain a little and then I'll get over it and take this opportunity to move wherever in the world I fucking want to without having to worry about how it will make my boyfriend feel.

On a positive note, I got my old retail job back so I'm working and making a little money so I'll have some to move. I don't know when or where I'll be moving anymore though, which is terrifying and exciting. I have so many more decisions to make now!! UGH. Is it wrong that I'm just as upset about all my plans being ruined as I am about losing my boyfriend? Also, I hate that I'm not important enough for him to bother with. Frustrating. I'm not sure why this all makes me feel so ridiculous and stupid but it does. Dave (my younger brother) was awesome tonight, though. I'm really glad that he was here and able to talk to me down a little bit and watch cheesy Bond movies with me to make me feel a little better. Also, Amy's expletives and general anger at Andrew made me smile. I'm glad I have things to keep me busy over the next couple of days and I hope I don't break down completely at any time.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking hell cocksucker motherfucking son of a bitch. Sigh, I feel a little better now.

If you're in town and want to distract me... I will totally welcome it. If you're in Atlanta... sorry but I probably won't be moving there anytime soon. Change of plans.

Hope you all had a better Thanksgiving than I did.

A new day...

I had forgotten how pretty sunrises and sunsets are. I'm currently watching the sunrise here on Whidbey Island in Washington state and it's just gorgeous. This whole area is. I've missed scenery like this. It's been a while since I've spent time by the ocean and amongst mountains so it's nice to see again. I also love that it's fall here so all the leaves are turning these fantastic colors and just littering the ground. Actually, this is the first real fall I've witnessed... How sad is that? We just don't have them like this in Florida and I can't say that Shanghai's fall is really all that nice. I realized the other day that this is the first fall that I've traveled. I've traveled in winter spring and summer but never fall. It's a shame actually because fall is a great time to travel (from what I've heard!).

I'm officially back in the U.S. and it still hasn't sunk in that I'm not going back to China. I'm a lot sadder about it than I thought that I would be, and surprisingly still freaking out! I've never done anything like this before. Moving to China was less of a big deal than moving to a place I would never have picked for myself for someone else's reasons to be with that person... Something I definitely never thought I would find myself doing. It's quite terrifying actually. My biggest fear is that I'll hate living in Atlanta. This scares me because if I hate living in Atlanta but things are going wonderfully with Andrew... this will be a huge problem. I'm trying not to think about it too much - but I thought a lot about it when everyone kept asking me "Why are you leaving China?" and I didn't have what I thought was a good enough reason. (It says something about my character that the answer "love" never even occurred to me until Faye said it - love never seemed like a good enough reason to turn my life upside down but things change I guess.)

My trip home wasn't terribly eventful except for one embarrassing misunderstanding. When I booked my tickets they said that I would be leaving Hong Kong at 00:55 and arriving in Vancouver at 05:15 - both on November 6th. I distinctly remember doing the math in my head and working out that according to this my flight was like 23 hours - but I decided to disregard this because I figured I was just messing something up. Turns out - I was right. The time was completely wrong and as a result I landed in Vancouver about 10 hours early. This was no big deal really except I had to stay the night in Vancouver which I wasn't planning on doing. In the end it was probably better for me because the next day taking the 2 shuttles to get from Vancouver to Seattle and from Seattle to the island... I don't think I would have been able to stand up had I done it all straight. I already arrived pretty wiped out. Regardless I was totally pissed when I got on the plane and it said we would be arriving at 8 p.m. I just wish I would have known so that I could have found a hotel on my own (probably for cheaper!) before I left. Eh well, it worked out OK.

It's gorgeous here with quaint little towns and amazing used bookstores! What I wouldn't give for an empty suitcase... Not like I don't already have enough books - it's an addiction really. Bailey went nuts when she saw me and she didn't attack my mom ( who I met up with in Seattle) which was a good start. So far everything is going smoothly - except for the rain! - and I'm having a great time! Zeb's just absolutely adorable and the fam is all good and happy. All in all it's been great so far and I'm excited for people to start waking up so I can go do stuff today! It's actually not raining so I'm excited to wander around a bit more. I'm still really jetlagged. I went to bed at around 11 but woke up at 3:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. While I was able to get pretty far in Mario on my DS, I didn't get a lot of sleep.

Mom and I are here for a day more or maybe two, then we're going to Seattle to see the city a bit. Neither of us have ever been so we're excited to wander around and see what all the hype is about. Then on the 12th I fly home! I'm really excited to see my friends from home again and to see my cat and my little brother... It will be weird staying at my house with no one else there, but I'll get over it!

I'll try and update again soon and post some pics of my time here.

Sadness...

OK so it's been a while since I've updated. I haven't had too much to say other than OMG work is almost over and I'm leaving China!! That is all still very true... work has officially ended and I leave China in 5 days. Fucking nuts!

That however, is not why I wanted to update this. I am updating because I just finished watching Schindler's List and I just had to write something about. First of all... man am I glad that I was never in history class those days that this was shown. Fuck... I haven't cried that hard in like a year. Movies basically never make me actually cry, this movie however, fuck! I'm like sitting on my couch watching the end of the movie fucking bawling.

I don't really even know how to express exactly what it is that got to me about it. I think a big part of it was realizing how much life has been lost as a result of the Holocaust... and the strength of so many of the people. Schindler was impressive, and I wish more men were like him in the world, but the strength of so many of the Jewish people is pretty astounding as well. The lack of humanity in a lot of the guards was also enlightening- Jewish and SS.

I have a dim view of humanity in general I think. I don't really want to or mean to... it's just a result of looking at the world and what humans have done to each other. At the end of the movie it says that from the 1,100 Jews that Schindler saved, there are over 6,000 descendants. Imagine how many people those 6 million that were senselessly murdered would have brought to this world. And that's just the one genocide. I know in every story there are the famous men and women like Schindler and Rusesabagina that risk their lives to save as many as they can... but for each story like theirs there are so many more of the opposite. There are so many killers to each savior that its amazing that humans are still alive. At least there are people from the outside who are willing to step in and condemn these actions and put a stop to them. Funny how to the outside it's always so clear that what is being is done is wrong... but on the inside it seems like the right choice.

On a related note, I read the book "The Plot Against America" by Philip Roth this week. That was also a bit disturbing. Sometimes I forget just how anti-semitic America was back then. An anti-semitic America is not a topic you hear a lot about anymore so I wonder how many SS fans are still around. It would probably disturb me to know. But yes... thank God America finally did step in and fight against the Germans. I am not always a big believer in America fighting other peoples' fights, but when it comes to the slaughtering of thousands upon thousands of people... I fully support us stepping and stopping it. It's a shame that it's not always as "easy" as fighting and defeating a country's army.

Well that's enough depression for tonight. I'm really glad I finally watched the movie though. I'm also really glad that I chose to do it alone. Fuck the Nazis and all crazy people in this world who think that other people deserve to die or be persecuted just for being. Life is hard enough.

The Big Lebowski

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/7662943.stm

A good article for anyone who is a fan of The Big Lebowski. Personally, I'm a huge fan and totally understand/appreciate its genius. I didn't realize it was a "cult film" until reading this article... but now I really want to find/start a Lebowski fest.

Some of the comments are really funny, too.

Counting down...

I am totally getting ready for my return to the States. As the date of my return gets closer and closer, I get more and more nervous about coming back! It will be so strange to be living in the States again... especially in such a small town atmosphere like Jacksonville. Shanghai's insanely huge with just about 23 million (depending on which estimate you use it can go as "low" as 17 million, but I think that's less accurate) people living in one city. There are high rises and sky scrapers (the tallest in the world) and Pearl towers and all sorts of stuff that will be weird to be without.

As different as Shanghai is, and as many complaints as I have had about living here... it's been my home for the past year and I will definitely miss it. For my last couple of weeks in China I plan on seeing a bit more of it, and just enjoying being here. I think I will go see the Terra Cotta warriors and maybe go back to the Wall. I haven't been in 8 years and I remember liking it last time... Of course we'll see how much money I have to do that with!! Money sucks and I am totally not looking forward to getting a job, but I guess I'll have to suck it up. Working retail for the Christmas season will throw me right back into American culture, so at least there's that!

Frustrated!

People keep calling the office and trying to talk to me in Chinese and I can't understand them well enough to answer their questions. I'll be able to answer a few but then can't figure out the rest of what they're saying!!! It's incredibly frustrating and I'm totally ready to return to a land where I understand the better part of what people are saying to me.

Also - I really want to move to a Spanish speaking country again. I miss speaking Spanish and now suck terribly at it. I'm confident that it would return to me if ever I were to speak it on a regular basis again. I can still understand much of what I read and can get my point across ok in writing, but speaking? Whole other story.

Running out of time!

I officially only have 2 1/2 weeks of work left. I can't believe how quickly time is passing. In just 2 1/2 weeks my job will be over and Andrew will be arriving here in Shanghai. Our 2 year anniversary is that day so I think I'll take him out somewhere to celebrate. It will be a celebration of 2 years together and the end of this hellish episode of living on different continents. It hasn't been so bad, but I'm not sure I would want to do it again without a damn good reason. Who knows what life will bring, though!

I'm a bit concerned about getting a job back in the States, but I guess I'll just have to worry about that once I'm there. I figure I'll be able to get a job that pays enough to put a roof over my head and food in my gut. Beyond that, I can only hope! I'm pretty good at living within my means, so no matter what I'm not too worried. It's a shit time to be coming home, though. Damn American economy! I'll also be just missing all of the election hooplah. My absentee ballot still hasn't shown up... I might not be voting after all! (Still hoping it shows.)

I'm excited for the election to happen and be over and done with. I hope that Obama wins because I think I don't much care for McCain. I'm not much for war so I don't really like hawks. Either way, it will be interesting to see how the country changes over the next 4 years ... or doesn't. It's probably wrong to feel a sense of hopelessness with regard to our political system, but sometimes it hits me. The really sad part is I can't think of anywhere that has a perfect system. Or a perfect anything. Racism, violence, hatred, crap politics, etc., exists pretty much everywhere on our planet. Humans are an interesting species.

Anyway! I still have to buy my ticket home, but I hope to do that sometime soon. I think I'll still be arriving in Seattle on the 5th or 6th and then going back to Jax on the 19th or so. (November) I'll be there for the rest of November and probably all of December so I hope to get in some decent face time with anyone who's home for the holidays! I miss everyone and can't believe it will have been a year since I've been home. Maybe I'll post something more substantial sometime soon...