Holy Crap!

It's been ages since I've updated. I suppose it's because I haven't had too much to say or update on. I probably still don't have too much to say of any substance but I feel like writing.

Yesterday was a sad day. I've been living here in Jacksonville for almost 5 months now and I am sort of disgusted with myself for that. There are a lot of reasons for this but mostly it's because I've been amazed at my laziness and lack of drive. I'm in a funk and it's not good, but I've made some decisions lately that ensure that I won't be here forever. None that I'm really ready to share on such a public platform... but if I'm still here this summer then something is seriously wrong with me. None of that really has to do with why yesterday was a sad day, but is just pretty much how I've been feeling lately so certainly didn't help.

Yesterday was sad because everyone left. My dad has been here since late January and last week Renee, Sage and Zeb came to visit. A few days into their visit Eric drove in and my mom was sort of in and out of town during their stay. Yesterday everyone but Eric left. It was so good to see Renee and Sage again. I miss them terribly. I had a blast living in Shanghai with them and seeing them made me miss it a lot. They joke that everyone wants them to come visit so that they can see Zeb - and while he is really damn cute - I definitely wanted them to come to see them!! I think that I've grown a lot closer with all of my siblings these last few years and I love it. We were never really that distant or anything - and of course I was always the closest with Dave bc I lived with him my whole life - but I just feel much more attached and I miss them a lot more if a long period of time goes by without seeing them!

Thankfully, Eric is still here to keep me company for the time being. I'm horrible entertainment for him, but hopefully it will all work out. Dave said he might come visit next weekend which is exciting - I haven't gotten to see him much since I've been back bc he's some hot shot college kid... (not really... he's just in college but I like to blame it on that). He's currently in NYC visiting a friend (I hope you're taking good care of him!) and I'm slightly jealous. I wish I had some money to travel around and get the fuck outta here for a while again. I've actually started to miss the smell of airports and the strangeness of hotels. This fact is a sure sign that my life is fucked up.

I miss living in China and even living overseas. When I came back to the States there was a period of time where I wasn't sure that I was ready to leave and go oversease again but now that I've been back here for a while ... I realize that I miss the transitory lifestyle that I had established for myself. Renee's apartment in China was my home for a longer stretch of time than any one residence has been since I moved out of my parents' house. I've gotten used to moving every 4-6 months and while spending just over a year in one place was enjoyable... I sort of miss the excitement of moving and traveling. Of course... there is where the internal conflict takes over.

A huge part of me wants a cute little apartment that I can actually decorate without thinking about how I'll just have to move everything out and sell off most of it in 6-10 months. I want to be able to date someone without worrying about how it might affect my desire/plans to leave the place where I am. (This is not really something I worry about very much but it does keep me from actively dating.) Also I've decided that I definitely want kids. The husband thing is still a little iffy and I'm still not sold on the whole house idea but I do want kids. I used to swear that I would never have children but I've warmed to the idea and after getting the chance to play with babies lately I've pretty much decided that I'll have kids if Mother Nature allows it.

Also I want a dog. I always thought I was a die hard cat person but after living with a dog I'm not so sure anymore. Plus... I don't think I care much for the cat that I have now. I liked our previous cat much much more. (That's probably wrong but I don't really care) Don't get me wrong, I love my cat - I'd be sad if he died - he just annoys the shit out of me and I don't really feel like I get a whole lot back from him. Oh well.

I think this post is sufficiently depressing and disjointed so I am going to abandon it now. Hugs and kisses.