Late night rendezvous?

I love staying up late and listening to music and chatting with people online. I need to find the pipes to my hookah so I can set it up and go outside and enjoy the Florida spring nights with my laptop, hookah and beer. Nothing better. Those were some of my favorite nights in college. We had the best times, didn't we girls (and occasionally guys)? Though it usually was some silly girly drink and not beer. We should do that again sometime soon.

It's crazy that everyone has such different lives now. Having friends in the real world is actually a lot harder than it is in college or high school. I think part of it is that I no longer have a group of friends that all hang out together all the time. Back then it was like you call one person and it starts a chain and then you just all show up. Now I have to make 5x the effort to have the same effect. My irrational fear of calling people totally doesn't help things.

The good news is that I really do just enjoy sitting at home and chatting with people online or watching a movie or some stupid ass shit on TV. Tonight Eric and I watched Tough Love on VH1. Worst. Show. Ever. And of course by that I mean that I love it. Where else can you watch a bunch of skanky explaymates/models try to find true love but on reality tv? Apparently no normal people do reality television. I guess we're not interesting enough. (interesting = crazy)

In other news... I found a blackberry when I was out for Alicia's bachelorette last night. I totally buy into karma at least a little bit so thought that I would return it. So today I texted and called one of the person's friends and found out where she works and when I could drop the phone off and the guy I talked to promised to give her a heads up that I had the phone and was actually going to return it. Her reaction was priceless. I showed up at the bar that she worked at and she was just like "OH MY GOD! Can I hug you?!" Of course I was like ummm yes? So she gave me a massive hug and was really appreciative. All the guys behind the bar were like omg you're so lucky that someone gave that back to you! And gave me a free drink. I think it was totally all worth it. Random acts of kindness are fun.

Alright now that it's almost 4 am and I really haven't slept much in the past few days I suppose I should attempt to get some rest. Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital to talk to my grandmother's doctor and visit her... possibly my least favorite activity of my life. Oh well. I definitely want someone to visit me when I'm old and stuck in a hospital bed.

Karma better fucking exist.

Holy Crap!

It's been ages since I've updated. I suppose it's because I haven't had too much to say or update on. I probably still don't have too much to say of any substance but I feel like writing.

Yesterday was a sad day. I've been living here in Jacksonville for almost 5 months now and I am sort of disgusted with myself for that. There are a lot of reasons for this but mostly it's because I've been amazed at my laziness and lack of drive. I'm in a funk and it's not good, but I've made some decisions lately that ensure that I won't be here forever. None that I'm really ready to share on such a public platform... but if I'm still here this summer then something is seriously wrong with me. None of that really has to do with why yesterday was a sad day, but is just pretty much how I've been feeling lately so certainly didn't help.

Yesterday was sad because everyone left. My dad has been here since late January and last week Renee, Sage and Zeb came to visit. A few days into their visit Eric drove in and my mom was sort of in and out of town during their stay. Yesterday everyone but Eric left. It was so good to see Renee and Sage again. I miss them terribly. I had a blast living in Shanghai with them and seeing them made me miss it a lot. They joke that everyone wants them to come visit so that they can see Zeb - and while he is really damn cute - I definitely wanted them to come to see them!! I think that I've grown a lot closer with all of my siblings these last few years and I love it. We were never really that distant or anything - and of course I was always the closest with Dave bc I lived with him my whole life - but I just feel much more attached and I miss them a lot more if a long period of time goes by without seeing them!

Thankfully, Eric is still here to keep me company for the time being. I'm horrible entertainment for him, but hopefully it will all work out. Dave said he might come visit next weekend which is exciting - I haven't gotten to see him much since I've been back bc he's some hot shot college kid... (not really... he's just in college but I like to blame it on that). He's currently in NYC visiting a friend (I hope you're taking good care of him!) and I'm slightly jealous. I wish I had some money to travel around and get the fuck outta here for a while again. I've actually started to miss the smell of airports and the strangeness of hotels. This fact is a sure sign that my life is fucked up.

I miss living in China and even living overseas. When I came back to the States there was a period of time where I wasn't sure that I was ready to leave and go oversease again but now that I've been back here for a while ... I realize that I miss the transitory lifestyle that I had established for myself. Renee's apartment in China was my home for a longer stretch of time than any one residence has been since I moved out of my parents' house. I've gotten used to moving every 4-6 months and while spending just over a year in one place was enjoyable... I sort of miss the excitement of moving and traveling. Of course... there is where the internal conflict takes over.

A huge part of me wants a cute little apartment that I can actually decorate without thinking about how I'll just have to move everything out and sell off most of it in 6-10 months. I want to be able to date someone without worrying about how it might affect my desire/plans to leave the place where I am. (This is not really something I worry about very much but it does keep me from actively dating.) Also I've decided that I definitely want kids. The husband thing is still a little iffy and I'm still not sold on the whole house idea but I do want kids. I used to swear that I would never have children but I've warmed to the idea and after getting the chance to play with babies lately I've pretty much decided that I'll have kids if Mother Nature allows it.

Also I want a dog. I always thought I was a die hard cat person but after living with a dog I'm not so sure anymore. Plus... I don't think I care much for the cat that I have now. I liked our previous cat much much more. (That's probably wrong but I don't really care) Don't get me wrong, I love my cat - I'd be sad if he died - he just annoys the shit out of me and I don't really feel like I get a whole lot back from him. Oh well.

I think this post is sufficiently depressing and disjointed so I am going to abandon it now. Hugs and kisses.

Hmmm...

Things have been weird lately. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or just lazy or what. I've fallen into a bit of a funk here at home. Don't get me wrong, being here has been great for the most part. I had a fantastic holiday season with my brothers being here and going to New York with some of my favorite people... but since then? I'm completely unmotivated to find a real job and move on with my life.

Working part time and seeing my friends and family on a regular basis has been awesome, but it's definitely not what I want to do with my life! I haven't been able to come to terms with the thought of picking up and moving away again, but I also dread the idea of still being here in a year. I'm a little embarrassed to be living at home again - not that there is any shame in it - I just never thought that I would be doing it. I'm glad I'm here at this point, though. My dad's having more health issues and needs someone to be here with him while he goes through this and hopefully recovers. Actually, I think being here with him depresses me a little bit. He's not exactly an upbeat guy, but that's ok- I still love him.

At any rate, I'm totally over the whole Andrew thing. It's sort of nice to be single again - though I completely am horrible at meeting new people and even worse at dating! The good news is that I'm pretty ok with being on my own and am in no hurry to get into another relationship. Besides, there's no point in getting involved with anyone when I have no idea where I want to be in a year.

I've found a few jobs that look pretty much perfect for me - now I just have to get the desire to actually apply for them. Hopefully that motivation strikes me soon. First I want my dad to get a clean(ish) bill of health, though.

Here's hoping!

Happy New Year!!!

OK so I know it's been a while since I've written, but I haven't had a lot to say.

I've actually been having a pretty good time since I've been back in the States! I'm recovering alright from the break up and I hardly think about it anymore. Andrew still comes up a lot but I'm not really that sad about it anymore. I've just been enjoying seeing my friends and family that I haven't spent much time with over the past year and a half and its been pretty great!!

My big brother, Eric, came down for Christmas and has been hanging out here at the house. We've been playing video games aplenty - which always makes me happy!! Plus Dave's here (younger bro) so it's been us three playing Guitar Hero World Tour and various other awesome video games. So yes - Christmas was great and on the 29th I left for New York City. I went with a group of pretty fantastic girls from high school/college and I had a great time. I just got back today and actually just woke up from a nap! I had to recover from going out at night and waking up pretty early for 4 days in a row- not OK!

NYC was great, though. I had it in my head that I could never live there for some reason and going there sort of convinced me that I definitely could if the right opportunity presented itself. It's definitely not a cheap place to live, but it's not nearly as expensive to feed myself and such that I thought it would be. I've definitely seen worse. Lesson learned.

New Year's was interesting and I think I've had better experiences but it was still pretty fun. I lost my cell phone at the bar, though. This was upsetting for 2 reasons: 1) I wasn't even drunk!! 2) I've never really lost anything before. It was a really cheap phone so I can't say that I was that upset about losing the actual phone - it was more just the fact that I lost it and that it made the next day extremely inconvenient because I had to walk around New York without a cell phone. This was problematic because I was staying at a different place than my friends - and because I didn't bring my watch on the trip. I got to talk to a bunch of strangers and ask what time it was all day - which was awesome!

So I'm definitely over my aversion to NYC and am looking forward for my next trip, whenever that may be. (Maybe soon if I apply for jobs up there!) I hope you all had as awesome a holiday as I did! :)

Thank you...

I would just like to say thanks to all of your supportive comments, messages and thoughts. It means a lot that my friends are so quick to jump to my defense. I love all y'all!!!

It's so nice to be back in the States and with so many of my friends and family. I definitely miss those that I left behind and wish that I had more of an opportunity to see so many of the people in my life that I have met and befriended over the past 23 years. I miss so many people and feel terrible that I haven't done a better job keeping in touch and all of that. Hopefully I'll get to see most of you soon.

As for me... I'm doing alright. I'm handling the breakup better than my last, though I still am having bouts of depression and feelings of worthlessness and all that. Turns out - being dumped totally sucks. Oh wait... I knew that.

Life goes on though, and I'm excited about that. Work is good and even though I'm flat broke, I'm doing alright. Looking for a new job is proving to be exciting and terrifying. I'm curious to see what sort of positions I end up getting, if any! I think it's safe to say that I'm having a bit of a tough time of it right now, but I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat and all of that. So far it's working out OK. I haven't totally broken down yet or alienated any friends or family members so I figure I'm doing alright.

Alright well... work tomorrow so I guess I should get some rest. Thanks again and I'll try and post a more upbeat entry sometime soon!

Happy Fucking Thanksgiving

Well it certainly wasn't the holiday I was expecting. Thanksgiving is usually such a happy time with turkey and other good food and family and maybe some friends. I thought this Thanksgiving would even be an especially happy one given that Andrew drove in last night which was an unexpected surprise. Oh but wait... as I found out tonight - he only came to Jacksonville to break up with me. Excellent surprise.

His reasoning? I'm not entirely sure. We haven't been fighting or having any major issues and while our relationship was by no means picture perfect, I was enjoying it and he says he was too. Oh and I had just done this little thing of moving back to the States to be with him.... hmmm... Oops. I won't say that I expected us to get married and have little children and live happily ever after - because honestly I wasn't really thinking about that. Things were good and I was having fun and that's all that I really cared about. Sure, we were heading in different directions, but I sort of always assumed we would just deal with that when the time came - however we best chose to deal with it. I've always been of the opinion that we never know how things will change and how we'll feel in the future so making decisions for our future selfs is always sort of pointless. Apparently, he thinks a little differently. He said something along the lines of he doesn't want to have to split all his attention between his work and me and he's just not ready for this sort of commitment yet.... so he's sacrificing me for his work. (I read this as I'm not worth the effort, of course - because I have my insecurities and when you boil it down that's basically what he's saying. I'm just not important enough to him.)

He actually said that he thinks he'll regret this decision and still loves me and it hurts him to do it and all that shit that I don't really care about anymore. Well, you know what? I'm so sick of being on guys' lists of regrets. Seriously... I've been hearing that shit since middle school. I guess it's better than being "that girl" - the bitch that he's glad to be rid of or is glad he stayed away from... but still. COME ON! SERIOUSLY!??! WTF?

I think he's making a mistake and I'm pretty confident that he'll realize it someday. Long distance wasn't a total piece of cake but we handled it pretty well and we're damn good together when we're in the same zip code. I understand where he's coming from but I just feel like what's the harm in giving it a shot? But no, instead he's running scared before anything can really go wrong - or right.

Sigh. I don't think it's really, truly hit me yet, but so far I feel alright. The fact that I'm pretty used to never seeing him helps things and also makes it feel normal that he won't be around anymore - which will probably prolong the whole realizing that I'm single again thing and therefor the grieving process. Yay... At any rate, I feel like a total moron about the whole thing. I never saw it coming and moved across the globe to be with him. I took a risk and it totally didn't pay off. I'll bitch and moan about it for a little while because I feel I'm entitled to complain a little and then I'll get over it and take this opportunity to move wherever in the world I fucking want to without having to worry about how it will make my boyfriend feel.

On a positive note, I got my old retail job back so I'm working and making a little money so I'll have some to move. I don't know when or where I'll be moving anymore though, which is terrifying and exciting. I have so many more decisions to make now!! UGH. Is it wrong that I'm just as upset about all my plans being ruined as I am about losing my boyfriend? Also, I hate that I'm not important enough for him to bother with. Frustrating. I'm not sure why this all makes me feel so ridiculous and stupid but it does. Dave (my younger brother) was awesome tonight, though. I'm really glad that he was here and able to talk to me down a little bit and watch cheesy Bond movies with me to make me feel a little better. Also, Amy's expletives and general anger at Andrew made me smile. I'm glad I have things to keep me busy over the next couple of days and I hope I don't break down completely at any time.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking hell cocksucker motherfucking son of a bitch. Sigh, I feel a little better now.

If you're in town and want to distract me... I will totally welcome it. If you're in Atlanta... sorry but I probably won't be moving there anytime soon. Change of plans.

Hope you all had a better Thanksgiving than I did.

A new day...

I had forgotten how pretty sunrises and sunsets are. I'm currently watching the sunrise here on Whidbey Island in Washington state and it's just gorgeous. This whole area is. I've missed scenery like this. It's been a while since I've spent time by the ocean and amongst mountains so it's nice to see again. I also love that it's fall here so all the leaves are turning these fantastic colors and just littering the ground. Actually, this is the first real fall I've witnessed... How sad is that? We just don't have them like this in Florida and I can't say that Shanghai's fall is really all that nice. I realized the other day that this is the first fall that I've traveled. I've traveled in winter spring and summer but never fall. It's a shame actually because fall is a great time to travel (from what I've heard!).

I'm officially back in the U.S. and it still hasn't sunk in that I'm not going back to China. I'm a lot sadder about it than I thought that I would be, and surprisingly still freaking out! I've never done anything like this before. Moving to China was less of a big deal than moving to a place I would never have picked for myself for someone else's reasons to be with that person... Something I definitely never thought I would find myself doing. It's quite terrifying actually. My biggest fear is that I'll hate living in Atlanta. This scares me because if I hate living in Atlanta but things are going wonderfully with Andrew... this will be a huge problem. I'm trying not to think about it too much - but I thought a lot about it when everyone kept asking me "Why are you leaving China?" and I didn't have what I thought was a good enough reason. (It says something about my character that the answer "love" never even occurred to me until Faye said it - love never seemed like a good enough reason to turn my life upside down but things change I guess.)

My trip home wasn't terribly eventful except for one embarrassing misunderstanding. When I booked my tickets they said that I would be leaving Hong Kong at 00:55 and arriving in Vancouver at 05:15 - both on November 6th. I distinctly remember doing the math in my head and working out that according to this my flight was like 23 hours - but I decided to disregard this because I figured I was just messing something up. Turns out - I was right. The time was completely wrong and as a result I landed in Vancouver about 10 hours early. This was no big deal really except I had to stay the night in Vancouver which I wasn't planning on doing. In the end it was probably better for me because the next day taking the 2 shuttles to get from Vancouver to Seattle and from Seattle to the island... I don't think I would have been able to stand up had I done it all straight. I already arrived pretty wiped out. Regardless I was totally pissed when I got on the plane and it said we would be arriving at 8 p.m. I just wish I would have known so that I could have found a hotel on my own (probably for cheaper!) before I left. Eh well, it worked out OK.

It's gorgeous here with quaint little towns and amazing used bookstores! What I wouldn't give for an empty suitcase... Not like I don't already have enough books - it's an addiction really. Bailey went nuts when she saw me and she didn't attack my mom ( who I met up with in Seattle) which was a good start. So far everything is going smoothly - except for the rain! - and I'm having a great time! Zeb's just absolutely adorable and the fam is all good and happy. All in all it's been great so far and I'm excited for people to start waking up so I can go do stuff today! It's actually not raining so I'm excited to wander around a bit more. I'm still really jetlagged. I went to bed at around 11 but woke up at 3:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. While I was able to get pretty far in Mario on my DS, I didn't get a lot of sleep.

Mom and I are here for a day more or maybe two, then we're going to Seattle to see the city a bit. Neither of us have ever been so we're excited to wander around and see what all the hype is about. Then on the 12th I fly home! I'm really excited to see my friends from home again and to see my cat and my little brother... It will be weird staying at my house with no one else there, but I'll get over it!

I'll try and update again soon and post some pics of my time here.