Friday, November 28, 2008

Happy Fucking Thanksgiving

Well it certainly wasn't the holiday I was expecting. Thanksgiving is usually such a happy time with turkey and other good food and family and maybe some friends. I thought this Thanksgiving would even be an especially happy one given that Andrew drove in last night which was an unexpected surprise. Oh but wait... as I found out tonight - he only came to Jacksonville to break up with me. Excellent surprise.

His reasoning? I'm not entirely sure. We haven't been fighting or having any major issues and while our relationship was by no means picture perfect, I was enjoying it and he says he was too. Oh and I had just done this little thing of moving back to the States to be with him.... hmmm... Oops. I won't say that I expected us to get married and have little children and live happily ever after - because honestly I wasn't really thinking about that. Things were good and I was having fun and that's all that I really cared about. Sure, we were heading in different directions, but I sort of always assumed we would just deal with that when the time came - however we best chose to deal with it. I've always been of the opinion that we never know how things will change and how we'll feel in the future so making decisions for our future selfs is always sort of pointless. Apparently, he thinks a little differently. He said something along the lines of he doesn't want to have to split all his attention between his work and me and he's just not ready for this sort of commitment yet.... so he's sacrificing me for his work. (I read this as I'm not worth the effort, of course - because I have my insecurities and when you boil it down that's basically what he's saying. I'm just not important enough to him.)

He actually said that he thinks he'll regret this decision and still loves me and it hurts him to do it and all that shit that I don't really care about anymore. Well, you know what? I'm so sick of being on guys' lists of regrets. Seriously... I've been hearing that shit since middle school. I guess it's better than being "that girl" - the bitch that he's glad to be rid of or is glad he stayed away from... but still. COME ON! SERIOUSLY!??! WTF?

I think he's making a mistake and I'm pretty confident that he'll realize it someday. Long distance wasn't a total piece of cake but we handled it pretty well and we're damn good together when we're in the same zip code. I understand where he's coming from but I just feel like what's the harm in giving it a shot? But no, instead he's running scared before anything can really go wrong - or right.

Sigh. I don't think it's really, truly hit me yet, but so far I feel alright. The fact that I'm pretty used to never seeing him helps things and also makes it feel normal that he won't be around anymore - which will probably prolong the whole realizing that I'm single again thing and therefor the grieving process. Yay... At any rate, I feel like a total moron about the whole thing. I never saw it coming and moved across the globe to be with him. I took a risk and it totally didn't pay off. I'll bitch and moan about it for a little while because I feel I'm entitled to complain a little and then I'll get over it and take this opportunity to move wherever in the world I fucking want to without having to worry about how it will make my boyfriend feel.

On a positive note, I got my old retail job back so I'm working and making a little money so I'll have some to move. I don't know when or where I'll be moving anymore though, which is terrifying and exciting. I have so many more decisions to make now!! UGH. Is it wrong that I'm just as upset about all my plans being ruined as I am about losing my boyfriend? Also, I hate that I'm not important enough for him to bother with. Frustrating. I'm not sure why this all makes me feel so ridiculous and stupid but it does. Dave (my younger brother) was awesome tonight, though. I'm really glad that he was here and able to talk to me down a little bit and watch cheesy Bond movies with me to make me feel a little better. Also, Amy's expletives and general anger at Andrew made me smile. I'm glad I have things to keep me busy over the next couple of days and I hope I don't break down completely at any time.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking hell cocksucker motherfucking son of a bitch. Sigh, I feel a little better now.

If you're in town and want to distract me... I will totally welcome it. If you're in Atlanta... sorry but I probably won't be moving there anytime soon. Change of plans.

Hope you all had a better Thanksgiving than I did.

4 comments:

DD said...

Doubtful that my opinion means much, but I always thought you were way above his pay grade. Probably doesn't feel this way now, but I know you'll make out better for it in the end.

Ronnie said...

At least you didn't settle in Atlanta first. You'll be alright, Camille. Your person can't be judged on your relationship status. You're better off.

Kristina said...

You will totally be better off. Ronnie is right. At least you didn't make the move to Atlanta and then find this out. You're a sexy, smart, funny gal so don't you start getting down about yourself, because clearly that was not and is not the problem. Granted, it's never easy going through a break up but we all love you cami and there is a better fish in the sea for you my dear xo

Russell said...

So I find your blog and this is the first thing I read? Yikes. I'm sorry to hear that, Miss Camille, but you're definitely better off. Any dude who blows off a girl he loves for work ain't worth it-- cuz it's WAY easier to find a good job than it is a good woman.

Hope you're doing alright this holiday season. Miss you!