Christmas

The highway is crowded. It seems everyone is in transit, getting ready for the holidays. We have passed at least 20 Toys R' Us stores and Wal-Marts and I feel the monotony of America grating on me. The drive between New York City and Boston is only supposed to be four and a half hours, but the Christmas traffic and the recent snow are slowing things down. I can see red taillights for miles ahead of us, and even though we're moving I am less and less hopeful that we will reach Boston before the subway shuts down for the night.

As I sit here, watching strip mall after strip mall pass slowly by my window, I realize that I miss my family more than I thought I would. Thanksgiving was easy enough, though there were a few pangs of homesickness involved. Tonight, though, as I'm headed to visit some very good friends of mine, I can't help but feel a little sad that this bus is heading north instead of south. The snow on the ground is less comforting than the warm Florida sun. The promise of an impromptu bed less inviting than the thought of crawling into the one I left behind six months ago. I suppose that this is what growing up is all about. As we get older we have to break with our old traditions and form new ones, or at the very least modify them. The only constant in life is change, right?

Despite missing home more than I ever thought that I would, I love where I am. I feel completely content with my life. Moving to New York City was exactly what I needed. I had come to a complete standstill in Jacksonville. I was miserable, even though I was surrounded with almost all of the people that I love. Now, so far away from them, I've found somewhere that I really think I belong. From my first day in New York City I have felt at ease. I have been lost and stressed the fuck out and completely baffled by many things, but never have I felt so at home. I feel like it's my city.

The cold and the snow present me with a new challenge. I have never lived somewhere with actual seasons. The cities I have lived in have all been considered to be subtropical in climate, so when I found myself standing in a snowstorm last weekend, I freaked out. I twirled in circles and giggled like a little girl and threw my arms up in the air and almost fell down on my ass as I played with the gorgeous white powder that fell around me. I took in the glory of Central Park coated in a fresh coat of snow and cursed the misery that is wearing tennis shoes through the slush. Two days later I did fall on my ass thanks to those same tennis shoes and a slippery staircase. I have a massive bruise to prove it.

Despite the shortcomings of the weather, I am enjoying feeling cold. It thrills me a little bit and while I am certain that I will be so sick of piling on clothes and trudging through the snow by the end of the winter - I still find myself giggling in excitement when I breath out and I can see it hang in the air. It's no longer something to call home about or run inside and tell everyone, "It's so cold you can see your breath!" but I think it will continue to make me smile for at least this winter.

I hope you all are happy and healthy and I wish you a very Merry Christmas (whether you celebrate it or not) and a fantastic New Year.

OK so I'm arrogant...

Do you ever catch yourself judging someone else? Assuming that they're an idiot because of a conversation they're having? Thinking you're better than them because of something they do or say? How much do you base your own actions on what the people around you will think of you? Do you care more about what your friends will think of you or what the general populace will think of you? Or does it matter?

I had an interesting conversation the other day about why humans act the ways that we do and what humanity really is. What shapes our values? Why do we think that it is wrong to take advantage of another person, or to kill a child, or anyone? Are there times when people really don't feel this way? Why has there been so much evil in this world if we do think it's wrong? Is it always wrong?

The answers, I think, are impossible to know. We all have our own moral codes that we live by, and I think these are largely shaped by our surroundings -a mixture of society, our parents, our family and our peers dictates for each of us what is right and what is wrong. Our moral codes are fluid and change as our surroundings change. This is why one day people are living at peace and another they are slitting each others' throats. Are there some values/morals/sense of right and wrong that we're simply born with? I'm not so sure.

I think that there are points where people do not view it as wrong to kill each other. They think that raping a woman to death is not evil, that pushing children into mine fields is part of the battle. On our pedestals, we look at these actions and condemn them and those that carry them out. We protest and send in troops and do whatever we can (or at least we talk about it) to stop them from carrying out what they believe to be right. We are acting in line with our moral code, which happens to be at odds with theirs. Is this right? Is placing our beliefs above theirs really something we should do?

Of course my instinctual response is, "No shit we should stop them! What they're doing is wrong!!" Just like my instinctual response in China is that the Chinese people that spit/blow their noses on the street are somehow less civilized than I am because their hygiene is different than my own. I judge the people who litter the streets with trash as well as those that sell their bodies for whatever it is they need. I judge the people that kill other people or molest children. I judge them and I think that, "I'm better than that. I'm better than them."

I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in my superiority complex. I feel like this topic gets neglected a lot because it's somehow OK to have an inferiority complex (which I also have to some degree), but feeling superior to people is a huge no-no. Well I'm here to admit that I totally feel superior sometimes. I think my way is better and I think that my country does a lot of things better than other countries. I'm also pretty sure that everyone feels this way. We believe what we believe and of course we think we're right and they're wrong - or we wouldn't believe it! Of course I think I'm better than the person who has participated in a massacre - or I would participate too.

Having said that - I totally worry about what other people think of me and if they're looking at me and thinking that they're better than I am. Here comes my inferiority complex. I don't really know why - and I feel that I am somehow less susceptible to this impulse to look awesome in the eyes of others but it's definitely something I still struggle with. Why do I avoid asking stupid questions or doing something where I might look like a total ass in front of my friends? If I really didn't care what other people thought then I would have no problem with this.

In a lot of ways - caring what other people think of you is a positive thing. It keeps us in line and respectful of others - which I think makes everyone happier in the end. But I still can't help but wonder how much I've missed out on because I didn't want to look stupid. Or didn't want to wear a bathing suit in front of that person.

On a related note - I bought my first scale today. I feel really weird about it.

New beginnings (again..)

I have now been in NYC for almost 4 months. Really not that long of a time, but I feel amazingly settled in. My transition to living here was definitely one of the easiest I have ever made. I won't pretend that I know all the ins and outs, or could tell you exactly where to go to get a good cupcake or anything (cupcakes are still really popular here), but I know my way around the subway lines pretty well at this point and feel really comfortable wandering the streets.

Living in America is definitely easier than living in a city overseas, but I still miss it sometimes! I'm extremely glad that I moved here and gave it a shot - because I definitely am much happier here than I ever could have been in Jacksonville, FL. I am a big city kind of girl. I miss the stars and the beach, but I love the hustle and bustle and walking down the city streets.

This is titled new beginnings because I have switched organizations. I now work at Planned Parenthood. My job at my previous organization quickly went to shit when my supervisor and I stopped getting along and we realized that our end goals weren't exactly meshing. I won't go into detail- but let's just say that it wasn't working out, so I was transferred here.

Today is day 6 and so far I really like it!! Everyone is extremely nice and welcoming and the sort of work they're doing here is much more my speed than the business services that were being carried out at my previous org. I'm working on a campaign to get comprehensive sex-ed into public schools in NYC by recruiting parents to push the principals to implement the available curriculum. As someone who grew up with probably too much sex-ed by my dear mother, I was never confused as to what sex was or what exactly a condom was and how to use it. However, I know most kids aren't blessed with parents as open as my own, and most schools don't offer much help (scary pictures of genital warts don't count). As such, I fully support this initiative and am excited about working on it!!

Something that's interesting about working here is figuring more out about what I believe. I've been reading up on feminism, the pro/anti-choice battle, sex-ed, and all sorts of other political and personal issues. I've always categorized myself as pro-choice because I truly believe that it is important for each of us to be in charge of our own bodies. For too long women were used as baby machines and it wasn't our choice whether or not we had children. For me, being forced to keep a child in my womb that I didn't want would be torture. Having a child that had been forced into me would be even worse. (I avoid saying that I only support abortion when it's a result of rape or because the mother is in danger because I don't believe that - but I do think it is especially important to support a woman's right to choose in those instances.) Having said that, I think it is an extremely difficult choice and I'm not sure that I would make that choice myself- but like many freedoms- I believe it's very important to allow each individual to make that decision for themselves. A woman's body doesn't suddenly belong to someone else just because she is pregnant.

Feminism is another issue that I keep running into here. Obviously, I am a feminist, as well as a humanist. I have been for ... a long time - but reading certain publications and peoples' opinions makes me realize that I haven't been the best one, and I have avoided categorizing myself as one before. There are many negative stereotypes associated with being a feminist, but the more feminists I meet (and love!) the more I realize that those stereotypes are completely ridiculous and I will never again refuse to label myself as such.

Also- I really kinda want a tattoo.

Unsure ...

Lately I have been doing research on global climate change, peak oil predictions and a variety of other environmental issues.

I just don't understand. People complain about governments putting out a call to the people of America to volunteer their time and encouraging civic engagement, and people complain about "large government" requiring green building practices. Why? Who can we possibly be hurting by conserving energy, planting trees and promoting open spaces? What is wrong with encouraging each other to volunteer our time to accomplish these things and more?

I fully agree that certain policies are flawed and that there are things being done that probably aren't entirely necessary and certainly not cost-effective. (LEED certification for one) However, I also feel that anything that reduces our impact on this planet and uses less of what the Earth gives us is a positive change. Resources are finite, populations are increasing, as are disasters that make it more and more difficult to come by things like food, water and even oil. The world does have a history of climate change, so I am not convinced that we can control the droughts and hurricanes or that we are wholly responsible for them, but I do believe that we currently have a greater impact on the Earth than we should.

Oil is a finite resource. That is a fact. Asthma rates in the world are up. That is a documented fact and it is widely accepted that this is in great part due to pollution. Pollution is caused by man. Therefore our impact is causing higher rates of childhood asthma and whatever other illnesses have been linked to pollution. (I haven't done the research to know exactly what those are or how reliable the studies are that link things such as truck emissions to learning disorders.)

Plus, pollution is just nasty. How many of you have ever avoided swimming in a river or ocean due to the level of trash or knowing that something was recently dumped into it? (Anyone in Jacksonville knows exactly what river I'm talking about...)

How is having our government regulate our industrial/commercial environmental impact a negative? We have proven that we will not spend the money or make the effort to do so without the regulations, or it would already be done.

I am as guilty as the next person of not doing everything I could to "save the planet." Honestly, I will probably never be one of those people that goes to any sort of extreme or puts myself in discomfort to do my part... but I do try to do the little things that I believe add up if we all do it. I will probably never compost, but I go out of my way to make sure my plastic bottles end up in a recycle bin rather than a trash can. I refuse plastic bags 90% of the time now and those that I do take I am sure to reuse at least once. If nothing else, I figure we will have more usable land that is not being taken up by plastic bags and bottles. We all need to reduce how much we use and how much we waste. I don't see the point in arguing that...

Take this rant how you will. I'm not a die hard hippie or a crazy environmental activist. (though I guess I'm turning into an activist). I welcome dissenting opinions and opposing research if you have any - and if you agree let me know. I'm curious what people I know think. There was a report released recently that claims that the environment is the 2nd most popular voting issue for those of us under 29. Since it is not something that generally comes up in conversation with my peers, I doubt its validity, but maybe I'm wrong?

A love note...

I just want to say that I had an amazing weekend. I saw some great people, had a lot of fun, got a new purse which I desperately needed (as much fun as it is coming up with a handful of threads everytime I grab something from my current purse...) and fell in love with the Met.

I absolutely love living somewhere that has amazing museums that have suggested admission fees. This means that I give whatever change is in my pocket as my admission fee. When I went to the Museum of Natural History it was $2.50. A steal compared with the $16 they ask for. My grandparents were in town today so they paid my entry to the Met but I am definitely going back first chance I get. I'm not even that heavy into art and I adored it.

Art's cool - don't get me wrong. We're pals, I'm just not one of those people that needs 18 hours in one room with it. I admire it from afar and pretend like I know what I'm talking about (I honestly know zilch about art but it's pretty so I like it.) I want to know more about it and get a bit more exposure to it so living here is awesome for that. The Met is one of the cooler art museums I have been to - and I have been to a fucking lot of them. My favorites are still the Louvre (duh) and the Reina Sofia (Madrid - Guernica is one of the coolest fucking things I've ever seen), but the Met is up there. I can't wait to make it to MOMA and the Guggenheim. Oh and hopefully a couple others of the 572 art museums here.

I think NYC and I might be soul mates.

Too soon?

A mess to be made...

I am totally a mess today. I woke up tired and with zero will to get out of bed. I am sore from restarting my yoga efforts. (the yoga feels amazing - the aftermath a little less so) I am totally PMSing (TMI I know but deal with it) and I have a date tonight that I am just so not in the mood for.

While I'm sort of proud of myself for actually going on a date - I'm realizing that I have serious issues with dating. I have limited dating experience but generally speaking I hate it. It's so awkward and I hate dealing with expectations and all the bullshit that goes into getting to know someone new. I feel very strange getting to know someone with the intention of either having a sexual or long term relationship with them. (Because really isn't it always about one or the other? Or both?) The fact that I'm sort of a prude and don't really think I want a long term relationship at the moment make dating seem sort of fruitless and pointless. However I am hesitant to shut myself off completely - it's not like I don't need the practice...

Date one is usually OK (at least when I don't immediately realize that I totally don't enjoy the other person's company). Date two is typically good actually but then date three I enter into what the fuck am I doing panic mode. I haven't made it past date three yet. Tonight is date two (but third time seeing each other) and I'm totally dreading it. I'm in a very cranky, undatelike mood. Yay.... (I will be single forever)

In other news- still loving NYC. Love the city and my job and pretty much everything I've experienced. It's way less intense for me than Shanghai but so much more engaging and exciting than Jacksonville. I have no idea how long I will stay here but so far I like it a lot. I can't shake the feeling of wanting to go back overseas... but as far as the US is concerned NYC is at the top of my list for places I could see myself actually living long term. Naturally, this may be in large part because I haven't spent much time in large cities in the US, but I would like to ignore this fact for now.

Grad school is something I'm starting to think more and more about as I realize that I miss going to classes and learning things. I'm also learning more about which field I might possibly want to enter into which is inspiring. I'm becoming a bit more focused in my pursuits but am still nervous about trying to break back into school and the whole application/rejection process. I should have taken the GRE when I was in undergrad... here's hoping I'm smarter when I take it than I was back then.

I think that's more than enough personal information for one day. G'night y'all.

Pennies, Pennies Everywhere

Today marks the close of my second full week in New York City. I'm totally still alive. Good news all around.

In all seriousness though... I really like it so far. Sometimes I am still a bit overwhelmed as I always am in a new city. I struggle to find my way around and find decent places to shop, grab a bite to eat or set up my picnic lunch. Other than the normal getting to know you pains that accompany any move - things are going pretty smoothly so far. I have a place to live, a job, friends, some money and an interest in my surroundings. There hasn't been a whole lot that I don't like yet - though I am sure that I will discover more of that as time goes on. I even like my local laundromat. (and it's lots cheaper than any laundromat in FL - crazy right?)

You might be wondering - why the title? Well a very strange pattern has emerged during my time here. I have found at least one penny every day I have been here. I have picked up about 20 cents in the past two weeks. This totally fascinates me for some reason. I just don't understand why there are so many pennies around. Are New Yorkers just so rich that they overlook all the money on the ground? Is it beneath them to stop and pick up the pennies? Or am I just totally underestimating the nastiness of the NYC streets by touching something that has been on the ground for God only knows how long?

Whatever the reason for the pennies I will continue to pick them up. Hasn't anyone ever heard of that saying? "See a penny, pick it up - all day long you'll have good luck." Maybe the pennies have been fueling my good times so far. I wonder how long I'll continue to find pennies on a regular basis... Maybe I should look up more often?

Nah.

New York New York

Today marks my 6th day in New York City. So far I have remained quite busy and have enjoyed my time. I fell right into looking for an apartment and after three days of looking found one that I think that I will really like. I will be living with 3 strangers - but the place is in a great area, furnished, and is a very reasonable price for the area.

For those of you that don't yet know what I am doing - I am doing AmeriCorps. This was launched as a sort of domestic Peace Corps. More specifically I am a VISTA - which is the part of AmeriCorps that deals exclusively with combating poverty in the US. Some of the links to poverty are loose and some are very clear cut. Regardless, all VISTAs receive a very modest stipend every month for what is officially volunteer work. It is meant to be enough to live on, but is also meant to keep us at the poverty level.

During the next year I will be working full time and making little more than I was making working part time in retail over the past 6 months. We are not allowed to have a second source of income - not selling jewelry we make or babysitting or anything. The idea behind this is so that we may know what it is really like to live on so little money. To struggle to feed ourselves and to not have money for luxuries. I am not convinced that this strategy will work - and I feel as though it is inherently flawed in a lot of ways. (For instance many people are living at home with their parents while doing this or are receiving money from their parents for assistance - why is this OK but not actually working for it?)

It will be a challenge for me, who has never wanted for anything, to constantly be struggling with money. I have taken it on as a personal challenge and I am sure that I will succeed- which might be a problem. I have been very lucky in my life to have a family who has helped and supported me - but also to have one that taught me to handle my money so well. Part of why I have been able to travel as extensively as I have and have never wanted for anything is because of my ability to make the most of what I have and to prioritize my spending.

While I poke fun at myself for having a $10 rule while shopping (I have a hard time paying more than ten dollars for any one item of clothing) it is this rule along with my general abstinence from buying myself little luxuries that has afforded me the ability to travel the world. Occasionally I find myself breaking my rules, and despite the fact that I rather enjoy it, I try to stay on track. There are still so many places I wish to travel and so many things in life that I wish to see and do that will require discipline with my money that I can't bring myself to blow it on a purse or a new pair of jeans.

This discipline I have practiced throughout the years will come in handy over the next year, but without the payoff of a trip! This will probably be hard for me to accept and I will have a hard time truly not being able to buy clothes rather than just preferring not to spend my money on them. There is a huge difference and I'm not quite sure how I will handle it.

The not being able to spend money on food thing will be relatively easy for me. For a while I always ate toast and tea or coffee (made at home) for breakfast and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with some grapes or raisins or something for lunch. I am great about packing my lunch and taking it to work with me and I do enjoy cooking. The problem will be when people ask me to go out with them for dinner or drinks. I am trying to budget in a small amount of money for my entertainment each month and I really, really hope that I pull it off. The first month will be the most interesting for me. I am going to have to learn my way around the city and my new neighborhood- experimenting with grocery stores and coupons and the like to get the most for my money. Being thrifty requires a lot of leg work.

I'm currently participating in my Pre-Service Orientation for AmeriCorps VISTA and am at a hotel in downtown Manhattan with close to 200 other "volunteers" for the upcoming year. We have been trying to "build relationships" and discuss our thoughts on poverty and service in NYC. We all have different opinions, and while I feel that a lot of us have a lot in common I have been caught off guard about a few things and have surely made an ass of myself. I love that people here correct me when I'm wrong about things in America. Being here and interacting with people from all over the US with regard to American problems for once has been really enlightening. I've spent so much time overseas and worrying about America's international agenda that I've failed to learn a lot about what goes on in my own country.

Being in New York is great for me for that reason. I feel that even though I am still in America, NYC is so very different from Florida and Jacksonville in particular that it's sort of like being in a different country. I don't feel as isolated or as far away from home for a lot of reasons - but I definitely notice that I'm out of my element! It's great and I'm excited about learning more about the rest of America!!

I'm truly excited about my upcoming service - and while I'm terrified that I'll do a horrible job or absolutely hate my organization or my coworkers or just be totally unprepared and overwhelmed in every way possible - I can't wait to start. I've always wanted to dedicate myself to helping others in one way or another and I am finally getting that chance. Hopefully I am not disappointed.

I'll update more later - I know this is already really long. Wish me luck and come visit me in NYC!!

Adventures!

OK so I'm a bit of a strange girl in the sense that I have no problem going places by myself. I will eat dinner by myself, chill at a coffee shop for hours with my ipod and book (ok it's usually just my book), and even go to a bar and get a drink by myself.

I don't mind being alone. I don't mean alone in the bigger sense of the word, just in the immediate "hey, I'm here by myself" sense. I would probably wither away and die without people in my life, so I'm very grateful to have so many wonderful people in it - even the ones I only get to talk to online make me feel like my life has meaning of some sort. However, I do not require someone to go to the movies with and I don't really have a problem sitting at a bar drinking a beer and reading a book, or even just enjoying the music being played. I know that I look really pathetic, and people typically assume that I have been stood up or am waiting for someone - but who cares?

I bring all of this up because I have been acting on my impulses to do things by myself a lot more lately. I've been to a few bars by myself and have enjoyed it for the most part. The whole experience has been sort of interesting because I have zero experience with getting hit on and handling myself around men. I've been in a couple of relationships and dated a few people - but none that I ever met outside of school/friends/work. I'm not the sort of girl that gives out her phone number usually and I typically brush men off when they do approach (which to be fair, in the past wasn't all that often.)

I'm not entirely sure what's changed but the past couple of months I've been approached by a lot more guys. I even had a guy at a local sandwich shop ask me for my number a couple of weeks ago. Really random and I'm pretty sure that's never happened to me before. I'm still trying to figure out how to politely turn down a guy or escape him when I can't turn my back on him to talk to a friend.

What's worse than trying to figure out how to politely turn down a guy is trying to figure out how to answer his questions. There's always the question, "what do you do for fun/ in your spare time?" Honestly? The majority of my time is spent at work or at home by myself or hanging with family. But who wants to hear that? After listening to my brother complain about how boring girls are when they never have any hobbies or anything that they do for entertainment - I just can't bring myself to really answer the question. Maybe I should just change the question in my head to, "In an ideal world, what would you do for fun most nights?" To that question I have lots of answers!

I've led an interesting life and have a ton of interests and have done and seen so much, but none of it is stuff that I'm really open to sharing with a total stranger. Dating is awful - by the way. I'm so incredibly awkward and horrible around new people. I'm typically quite shy and quiet until I get to know someone so I probably come across as totally uninterested and snobby. Most of the time I am uninterested so I'm not too upset about this, but for those few times where I am it makes it sort of difficult.

Also, the more guys I meet - the more I realize that I am incredibly, incredibly picky. (The number of times that I have liked a guy immediately upon meeting him is..... very very small- usually I have to be eased into it as I get to know them) And will probably never have a one night stand. Both of these things are both positives and negatives, but for now I'm just going to view them as positives.

I really want a puppy.

Holy Shit

I just scared the crap out of myself. (I hope)

It's not a very nice night here in Jacksonville. The full moon is high and bright and my house is eerily quiet, save the wind throwing branches against my windows and audibly straining the doors. It's one of those nights - one where I walked outside and said to myself, "Creepy" at the sight of the moon and the sound of the wind.

I originally walked outside to retrieve something from my car. As I'm moving everything around and shuffling through the papers and everything else in my car that I really need to clean out - I notice that it got a lot darker all of the sudden. I look up and my garage door is shut. Now - I didn't shut it when going out to my car because I knew I would be coming back in momentarily. My garage door is also quite loud when it opens and closes as it is 30 years old and the machinery is therefore ancient- so the fact that I didn't hear it close is extraordinary. Add to that the fact that when I reached for my garage door opener to reopen it, it took a few tries to get it work, and you have a scared shitless Camille.

I don't scare that easily, and while I know that I did pick up and move my garage door opener while searching through my car and could have easily accidentally hit the close button - the combination of the moon, wind, the fact that my garage door opener rarely works on the first try, and the fact that I'm here alone right now just freaked me the hell out.

Naturally, I assumed that someone had snuck into the house and closed the door behind them in an effort to keep me out. I watched the windows for a while to see if I could see any movement and searched the area for a vehicle of some sort or anything out of the ordinary. Seeing nothing, I decided it was time to suck it up and reenter the house because I was probably overreacting. I looked for something to wield as I entered the house and settled on a bottle of Raid (bug spray that will sting the shit out of you if you come into contact with it). I wandered through the front of the house and opened all the doors and closets and such to check. I then proceeded to play pool for a while in an effort to seem casual and more vulnerable in an effort to lure out my possible attacker if they existed.

No one appeared. I have yet to explore the back of the house - and I think I'll wait until Eric gets home to do that. I realize that this probably sounds crazy and ridiculous paranoid, but I'm pretty ok with that. I would rather be safe and paranoid than completely ignorant and naive and put myself in danger. Not that going back into the house with a can of bug spray was my safest option, but at least I remain alert. For now, I'll keep my bug spray nearby.

In other news, I watched Yes Man tonight. Hilarious. Not all the way through, but there were definitely some parts that I found really really funny that made the rest worth watching. Plus Zooey Deschanel is in it and I just think she's tops.

Late night rendezvous?

I love staying up late and listening to music and chatting with people online. I need to find the pipes to my hookah so I can set it up and go outside and enjoy the Florida spring nights with my laptop, hookah and beer. Nothing better. Those were some of my favorite nights in college. We had the best times, didn't we girls (and occasionally guys)? Though it usually was some silly girly drink and not beer. We should do that again sometime soon.

It's crazy that everyone has such different lives now. Having friends in the real world is actually a lot harder than it is in college or high school. I think part of it is that I no longer have a group of friends that all hang out together all the time. Back then it was like you call one person and it starts a chain and then you just all show up. Now I have to make 5x the effort to have the same effect. My irrational fear of calling people totally doesn't help things.

The good news is that I really do just enjoy sitting at home and chatting with people online or watching a movie or some stupid ass shit on TV. Tonight Eric and I watched Tough Love on VH1. Worst. Show. Ever. And of course by that I mean that I love it. Where else can you watch a bunch of skanky explaymates/models try to find true love but on reality tv? Apparently no normal people do reality television. I guess we're not interesting enough. (interesting = crazy)

In other news... I found a blackberry when I was out for Alicia's bachelorette last night. I totally buy into karma at least a little bit so thought that I would return it. So today I texted and called one of the person's friends and found out where she works and when I could drop the phone off and the guy I talked to promised to give her a heads up that I had the phone and was actually going to return it. Her reaction was priceless. I showed up at the bar that she worked at and she was just like "OH MY GOD! Can I hug you?!" Of course I was like ummm yes? So she gave me a massive hug and was really appreciative. All the guys behind the bar were like omg you're so lucky that someone gave that back to you! And gave me a free drink. I think it was totally all worth it. Random acts of kindness are fun.

Alright now that it's almost 4 am and I really haven't slept much in the past few days I suppose I should attempt to get some rest. Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital to talk to my grandmother's doctor and visit her... possibly my least favorite activity of my life. Oh well. I definitely want someone to visit me when I'm old and stuck in a hospital bed.

Karma better fucking exist.

Holy Crap!

It's been ages since I've updated. I suppose it's because I haven't had too much to say or update on. I probably still don't have too much to say of any substance but I feel like writing.

Yesterday was a sad day. I've been living here in Jacksonville for almost 5 months now and I am sort of disgusted with myself for that. There are a lot of reasons for this but mostly it's because I've been amazed at my laziness and lack of drive. I'm in a funk and it's not good, but I've made some decisions lately that ensure that I won't be here forever. None that I'm really ready to share on such a public platform... but if I'm still here this summer then something is seriously wrong with me. None of that really has to do with why yesterday was a sad day, but is just pretty much how I've been feeling lately so certainly didn't help.

Yesterday was sad because everyone left. My dad has been here since late January and last week Renee, Sage and Zeb came to visit. A few days into their visit Eric drove in and my mom was sort of in and out of town during their stay. Yesterday everyone but Eric left. It was so good to see Renee and Sage again. I miss them terribly. I had a blast living in Shanghai with them and seeing them made me miss it a lot. They joke that everyone wants them to come visit so that they can see Zeb - and while he is really damn cute - I definitely wanted them to come to see them!! I think that I've grown a lot closer with all of my siblings these last few years and I love it. We were never really that distant or anything - and of course I was always the closest with Dave bc I lived with him my whole life - but I just feel much more attached and I miss them a lot more if a long period of time goes by without seeing them!

Thankfully, Eric is still here to keep me company for the time being. I'm horrible entertainment for him, but hopefully it will all work out. Dave said he might come visit next weekend which is exciting - I haven't gotten to see him much since I've been back bc he's some hot shot college kid... (not really... he's just in college but I like to blame it on that). He's currently in NYC visiting a friend (I hope you're taking good care of him!) and I'm slightly jealous. I wish I had some money to travel around and get the fuck outta here for a while again. I've actually started to miss the smell of airports and the strangeness of hotels. This fact is a sure sign that my life is fucked up.

I miss living in China and even living overseas. When I came back to the States there was a period of time where I wasn't sure that I was ready to leave and go oversease again but now that I've been back here for a while ... I realize that I miss the transitory lifestyle that I had established for myself. Renee's apartment in China was my home for a longer stretch of time than any one residence has been since I moved out of my parents' house. I've gotten used to moving every 4-6 months and while spending just over a year in one place was enjoyable... I sort of miss the excitement of moving and traveling. Of course... there is where the internal conflict takes over.

A huge part of me wants a cute little apartment that I can actually decorate without thinking about how I'll just have to move everything out and sell off most of it in 6-10 months. I want to be able to date someone without worrying about how it might affect my desire/plans to leave the place where I am. (This is not really something I worry about very much but it does keep me from actively dating.) Also I've decided that I definitely want kids. The husband thing is still a little iffy and I'm still not sold on the whole house idea but I do want kids. I used to swear that I would never have children but I've warmed to the idea and after getting the chance to play with babies lately I've pretty much decided that I'll have kids if Mother Nature allows it.

Also I want a dog. I always thought I was a die hard cat person but after living with a dog I'm not so sure anymore. Plus... I don't think I care much for the cat that I have now. I liked our previous cat much much more. (That's probably wrong but I don't really care) Don't get me wrong, I love my cat - I'd be sad if he died - he just annoys the shit out of me and I don't really feel like I get a whole lot back from him. Oh well.

I think this post is sufficiently depressing and disjointed so I am going to abandon it now. Hugs and kisses.

Hmmm...

Things have been weird lately. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or just lazy or what. I've fallen into a bit of a funk here at home. Don't get me wrong, being here has been great for the most part. I had a fantastic holiday season with my brothers being here and going to New York with some of my favorite people... but since then? I'm completely unmotivated to find a real job and move on with my life.

Working part time and seeing my friends and family on a regular basis has been awesome, but it's definitely not what I want to do with my life! I haven't been able to come to terms with the thought of picking up and moving away again, but I also dread the idea of still being here in a year. I'm a little embarrassed to be living at home again - not that there is any shame in it - I just never thought that I would be doing it. I'm glad I'm here at this point, though. My dad's having more health issues and needs someone to be here with him while he goes through this and hopefully recovers. Actually, I think being here with him depresses me a little bit. He's not exactly an upbeat guy, but that's ok- I still love him.

At any rate, I'm totally over the whole Andrew thing. It's sort of nice to be single again - though I completely am horrible at meeting new people and even worse at dating! The good news is that I'm pretty ok with being on my own and am in no hurry to get into another relationship. Besides, there's no point in getting involved with anyone when I have no idea where I want to be in a year.

I've found a few jobs that look pretty much perfect for me - now I just have to get the desire to actually apply for them. Hopefully that motivation strikes me soon. First I want my dad to get a clean(ish) bill of health, though.

Here's hoping!

Happy New Year!!!

OK so I know it's been a while since I've written, but I haven't had a lot to say.

I've actually been having a pretty good time since I've been back in the States! I'm recovering alright from the break up and I hardly think about it anymore. Andrew still comes up a lot but I'm not really that sad about it anymore. I've just been enjoying seeing my friends and family that I haven't spent much time with over the past year and a half and its been pretty great!!

My big brother, Eric, came down for Christmas and has been hanging out here at the house. We've been playing video games aplenty - which always makes me happy!! Plus Dave's here (younger bro) so it's been us three playing Guitar Hero World Tour and various other awesome video games. So yes - Christmas was great and on the 29th I left for New York City. I went with a group of pretty fantastic girls from high school/college and I had a great time. I just got back today and actually just woke up from a nap! I had to recover from going out at night and waking up pretty early for 4 days in a row- not OK!

NYC was great, though. I had it in my head that I could never live there for some reason and going there sort of convinced me that I definitely could if the right opportunity presented itself. It's definitely not a cheap place to live, but it's not nearly as expensive to feed myself and such that I thought it would be. I've definitely seen worse. Lesson learned.

New Year's was interesting and I think I've had better experiences but it was still pretty fun. I lost my cell phone at the bar, though. This was upsetting for 2 reasons: 1) I wasn't even drunk!! 2) I've never really lost anything before. It was a really cheap phone so I can't say that I was that upset about losing the actual phone - it was more just the fact that I lost it and that it made the next day extremely inconvenient because I had to walk around New York without a cell phone. This was problematic because I was staying at a different place than my friends - and because I didn't bring my watch on the trip. I got to talk to a bunch of strangers and ask what time it was all day - which was awesome!

So I'm definitely over my aversion to NYC and am looking forward for my next trip, whenever that may be. (Maybe soon if I apply for jobs up there!) I hope you all had as awesome a holiday as I did! :)