Thursday, August 27, 2009

A mess to be made...

I am totally a mess today. I woke up tired and with zero will to get out of bed. I am sore from restarting my yoga efforts. (the yoga feels amazing - the aftermath a little less so) I am totally PMSing (TMI I know but deal with it) and I have a date tonight that I am just so not in the mood for.

While I'm sort of proud of myself for actually going on a date - I'm realizing that I have serious issues with dating. I have limited dating experience but generally speaking I hate it. It's so awkward and I hate dealing with expectations and all the bullshit that goes into getting to know someone new. I feel very strange getting to know someone with the intention of either having a sexual or long term relationship with them. (Because really isn't it always about one or the other? Or both?) The fact that I'm sort of a prude and don't really think I want a long term relationship at the moment make dating seem sort of fruitless and pointless. However I am hesitant to shut myself off completely - it's not like I don't need the practice...

Date one is usually OK (at least when I don't immediately realize that I totally don't enjoy the other person's company). Date two is typically good actually but then date three I enter into what the fuck am I doing panic mode. I haven't made it past date three yet. Tonight is date two (but third time seeing each other) and I'm totally dreading it. I'm in a very cranky, undatelike mood. Yay.... (I will be single forever)

In other news- still loving NYC. Love the city and my job and pretty much everything I've experienced. It's way less intense for me than Shanghai but so much more engaging and exciting than Jacksonville. I have no idea how long I will stay here but so far I like it a lot. I can't shake the feeling of wanting to go back overseas... but as far as the US is concerned NYC is at the top of my list for places I could see myself actually living long term. Naturally, this may be in large part because I haven't spent much time in large cities in the US, but I would like to ignore this fact for now.

Grad school is something I'm starting to think more and more about as I realize that I miss going to classes and learning things. I'm also learning more about which field I might possibly want to enter into which is inspiring. I'm becoming a bit more focused in my pursuits but am still nervous about trying to break back into school and the whole application/rejection process. I should have taken the GRE when I was in undergrad... here's hoping I'm smarter when I take it than I was back then.

I think that's more than enough personal information for one day. G'night y'all.

1 comment:

Kristina said...

Oh, thanks for sharing your thoughts dearest. I know the whole dating thing can be miserable and somewhat petrifying but it's fun when you look back at it... isn't it? I remember when Ronnie asked me out, I was like... um can Danni come too? lol I was freaking out!! But putting yourself into those kind of situations is fun. I've actually set up two of my friends who are going on date no. 1 on Saturday for lunch. They've never met so it should be interesting! Glad to hear you are loving NYC and your job. Ronnie and I are very much looking forward to seeing you in Dec. Maybe we can go ice-skating at one of the outdoor rinks and all hold hands together... lol Timo included of course ;) Fill us in on how date no. 2 went. xo